White

It’s December, I’m sitting in my room with my hoodie, socks, and pajamas on. It’s not snowing here but, I somehow always relate the color white with December. What a year 2020 has been. I remember last time this time of the year I was my most relaxed self. I had completed my engineering, I had a good job, I had my best friends around me, I was making new friends at work and living on my own. I wished for the same old things and decided on the same old resolutions as every year, who knew I was in for a roller-coaster ride ahead. My difficulties were the same as most of the people out there, my dad stays quite far for his job. It was tough for my mom and me to handle things on our own. Amidst all of that, she got anxiety and sleep disorder. I kept consoling her by saying all this is temporary. Dad visited to be beside her, she consulted numerous doctors, took medicines and therapy, and it took months for her to be fine. I remember there was a time when we got into frequent fights, she was emotional, and I was tired and frustrated. I think I tried my best to understand her but never really knew what to do to help her get through it. Months later she got fine and was back to sleeping well. We were just starting to feel adjusted to this new quarantine life when suddenly I fell ill. What I thought was a mere stomach ache turned out to be quite serious. My body is a mess right now, and my prolactin levels are shooting too high. While I am supposed to be more calm and composed, I am now the most anxious person ever. I worry too much about my future, about my parents, about things that are not under my control, about anything and everything!! It is a trap, the more you want to stop worrying the deeper you fall into it. Now I know that until you get into a situation and suffer yourself, you will never understand what others feel when they are suffering. I’m blessed enough to have such supportive parents and best friends who keep up with me, motivate me, and pull me up when I feel so low. But sometimes I feel like I am so loved by these people and still feel lonely. There are times when I feel like other than the people who are close to me and who have existed in my life for a long time, I won’t be able to trust anyone. That makes me doubt my own nature and personality. All of this then leads me into feeling guilty, and then it’s a guilt-trap. But again, I am also proud of myself as I got through it and am keeping strong. “Today I will not stress over things that are not under my control” – that is my wallpaper right now, a much-needed reminder to myself every day. I have come to terms with my anxiety and I have learned to accept and live with it till the time it stays within me. I don’t know whether I will be able to ever get rid of it and there are millions of things in my messy mind. But, I will always try my best to clear this mess and keep it tidy like a blank whiteboard, and put down a to-do list on it every day, to solve immediate matters at hand first instead of overthinking the hell out of myself. Also, guess what I did, I actually got a whiteboard and multiple colored markers. Jotting down my day to day tasks, and ticking them off the list helps me be much calmer than before. I guess it is all about finding these little things to help sort our issues and helping ourselves out in times of distress. Who knew a simple whiteboard is all I needed to relieve my stress! 😉

Yellow

“Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun.” – Pablo Picasso

So its been too long since I’ve written something in this blog, was engaged with a lot of other activities most of them were academic, or perhaps I was just binge-watching TV shows or probably scrolling through social media looking at the numerous people through one screen, thinking about their attire, their degrees, the scenic places they’re visiting, the thoughts are endless. Not sure how many people out there would actually read this , but I would like to keep writing just for the sake of those times when I would come back and read these posts and recapitulate the times I wrote them, my thoughts and emotions of the time come gushing back to me. Sometimes reading something you wrote as a kid, or even going through your old photos makes you feel how foolish you were at that time. These old pages and pictures might have turned yellow by now, but reliving those moments makes you wonder if that same person is you, if that little kid still exists in there somewhere,were you a human who was as disturbed and worried as the way you are now?

The title, “Yellow” is not signifying anything specific, it’s just summer right now, and the weather is all sunny,  the Indian laburnum are in full bloom and it seems like there’s yellow all around. Well to associate something with yellow , the first thing that comes to my mind are the emojis, a very millennial behavior I suppose. Those little yellow circles, showcasing the various human emotions, helping you express your feelings to someone sitting far away. One look at the entire collection of emojis and you will notice how melodramatic the human mind is. Currently, I am reading this book called “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer, and I feel it’s a must read for any over-thinker like me. He describes very well about these extravagant emotions going inside us, how we get affected by any minor inconvenience that occurs, anything that happens against our wishes in the outside world, takes a major toll in the world inside us. He says that this over-dramatic mind of ours, producing these innumerable thoughts is not actually us, it’s just like a roommate who stays inside you and continuously blabbers stuff which intimidate you. You are stuck with this roommate for life, listening to it most of the time makes you depressed, angry, anxious, jealous and conscious- everything associated with fear . At other times it’s just defending your actions and making you protect that vulnerable part of you, only to make it more weak when there’s a much bigger strike from the outside world. All we can do is sit back and observe how this roommate reacts, and not immediately act in the way it tells us to.

The things outside are out of our control, but we are constantly trying to do things which will change the circumstances outside, rather than preparing and strengthening our inside. To impress every soul, to get everything you wish, to make everything work your way isn’t possible. It’s all in the perspective, during the stone age, people strived for shelter, food and clothing. Now that we have all of this, there’s the luxury to worry about trivial things like a stain on our shirt, a broken phone or even a pimple on our face. 

The book actually made me introspect all my thoughts and actions, every chapter discusses an issue that most of us face on a daily basis and is worth giving a read. At the end, sometimes how much ever we try, we may not be able to change the situation outside, you maybe loving the sunny weather outside, the flowers in full bloom, you plan to go for an outing, but suddenly dark clouds appear and there’s a huge storm, there’s no point in sulking about how your plans got ruined, you cannot change the weather. The sun always does its work of providing its  incessant rays of light, no matter what, we should try do the same, sit back and do our work. As it is said, we should create our own sunshine as there’s nothing that can stop the light that shines from within. Starting with a quote, would like to end with one by  Philippe Starck: 

“You create your own decoration. You choose your color, you choose your mood. … If you are depressed, you put some bright yellow and suddenly you are happy.” 🙂

 

Red

Red is the most dynamic and powerful colour. It has a great emotional impact and demands attention.

So I asked this question to a few people before writing down this post, “What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say red?” Some had roses as the answer, an apple, a setting sun, a heart, and amongst all these random things, as I expected, most of them had “Love” as their quintessential answer. So obviously you are thinking this would be a mawkish post dripping in love , after all red is the colour of love isn’t it? Well maybe it is, but I don’t see the point of associating a feeling with a single colour. It can be any colour that makes you feel the warmth of love, or maybe it has no shade at all.

So what else does red remind you of?

7 billion people in the world, 4 races subdivided into as many as 30 subgroups, more than 5000 ethnic groups, all these huge numbers and yet only one thing common among all these people, that one red substance that’s essential for our existence, blood. The blood that runs through our veins, pumped out from the heart, a contributing factor for our survival.

The red fluid in our bodies, coming from our different ancestors, sometimes dividing us, sometimes uniting.

Humans are so unpredictable, on one hand they’re fighting with others to save their blood relations and on the other having a feud amongst themselves for having a greater share in the property. We can see children leaving their own parents , siblings having a rivalry , murders and crimes within families , we can also see cases of adoption where children get a whole new and better life, there are people risking their lives to save others in disastrous situations, some give up everything to help the society.

Thousands of lives are saved because donations are made. People are alive because the blood running through their veins are that of a person of a different background. Then why do we still have wars and riots within different ethnic groups , nations and races ?

All this makes it difficult to understand what we humans really want. We are a complicated race , we need to realize that even though all throughout these years we have got divided ,our origin is the same. Whether we look different , speak different languages , belong to different cultures and groups, or are members of the same family and share the same lineage , our blood has the same composition , the same constituents: the plasma , platelets, red and white blood cells.

Blood is classified as a connective tissue that connects and supports other organs, then why let it be the reason for our division and disputes?

Grey

A mixture of black and white, a blend of bright and dark moments of life, Grey. As a kid , I was always bored by those old black and white movies my parents watched, still am honestly. Always felt grey images don’t bring out the true colours or emotions, I had this image of life just filled with other bright and appealing colours. Didn’t realise that grey is in fact , one of the true colours of life.

Painting with so many shades of blue, red and yellow always made me ecstatic and peaceful, maybe one of the reasons why I am not that much into pencil shading, never felt satisfied with it. I felt something was missing, like there’s a sad note left behind in them. If you keep two pictures, side by side of a scenery or a portrait, one filled with colours and the other painted with shades of grey, it automatically brings out different emotions and has a different effect in you.

Now when I’m actually out of the dreamy and colourful phase of childhood and entered into the adult phase of life, I realise everything is not as easy and ebullient as it seemed to be. Honestly its far more worse than that. Sometimes life just knocks you down so hard that you actually fall into a grey world of your own. Rejections, failures, competition, jealousy, betrayal , everything is living with you in this grey world. An opportunity you lost, a friend who betrayed you, not getting something that you deserved, people who turned out to be luckier than you, every single thing that makes you feel anguished and hurt is going to be in the same world too. There’s no way you can run away from them, or shut them, but only face and dodge them or just look through and get on.

You are the painter of your world and when its turned grey, pick up your paint brush and start painting the colours back. Maybe the process is slow and the paints take time to dry and maybe the grey has left its mark, but that doesn’t stop you from filling in your favourite shades. The after effect is so beautiful that when you look back at this canvas of your life, even the grey parts will make you realise your strength. That day, when you’ll be cognizant of your abilities and power, nothing and no one can stop you .

I’ve come to realise that these pencil shadings and old movies have a different beauty and charm of their own. The grey moments in my life make me value my normal life so much more and in times of success and happiness I remind myself of the crestfallen and sorrowful person I was in the bad times and make myself believe how blessed I am.  As my dad always says failures are the pillars of success and it just makes our built stronger, I think all we need is patience and perseverance to build our structure better.

Nothing can be sparkling and beautiful for a lifetime. As we grow old, our skin will be dull and wrinkly, our body will be less stronger and our hair will turn grey. But the inner beauty and strength in us would never lose its shine.

According to artist Jan Thorn-Prikker, “Grey is an important colour- the ideal colour of indifference, fence-sitting, keeping quiet, despair. In other words, for states of being and situations that affect one, and for which one would like to find a visual expression.”

Grey makes no statement whatever; it evokes no feelings nor associations sometimes: it’s really neither visible nor invisible but its inconspicuousness gives it the capacity to mediate. So lets fill up the voids in life with grey, because it has the capacity that no other colour has, to make ‘nothing’ visible. ❤

Black

Close your eyes for a minute. What do you see? Nothing? Everything just seems black with eyes closed. It can be peaceful at times , but otherwise we tend to think of darkness when it comes to black.

Has it ever happened that you’re trying so hard to sleep,  pressing your eyelids together, counting infinite number of sheep jumping off the fence,  praying that you get some sleep but you just cannot? It’s that one thought that keeps revolving around your head, that one person, that one situation , that one test. In this dark and black background of your mind , all those scenes just keep flashing and all you want is to wash them off but your tries go in vain. Happens with me all the time. In moments like this I always concentrate on those zig-zag patterns and bright spots inside my eyes. We all see them in the dark , those white or coloured spots of light,  appearing and disappearing at times in different patterns.

This phenomena is called phosphene. According to its definition, a phosphene is a phenomenon characterised by the experience of seeing light without light actually entering the eye.  I always wondered why we see these unique light patterns in the dark. Maybe people don’t notice, but it’s not just all black that we see with our eyes closed, there’s these tiny bursts of light appearing all around .

I know it’s just an illusion or a scientific way of explaining it would be simulation of the visual cortex, but it’s made me realise that sometimes in life we have to face situations which makes us feel there’s darkness all around, there’s no way out , makes us feel fragile. But even in this dark , there is this light that’s always there, we may not realise its presence,  but if we look closer , it’s there. We go through loss, failures and so many other dark phases and eventually get over them, this just makes us more stronger and a better fighter. We just need to acknowledge this light. If we can see light without any actual source of it,even with our eyes closed ,then there has to be a way out when we’re stuck in our black hole of problems.

Black is a colour which actually encompasses all the other colours, it’s a mixture of all emotions.  Remember stars always shine in the dark. They even make the sombre night look so enchanting.  Just keep looking for that little ray of light, it will reach you. And once it does, everything will be brighter and clearer. The palette of life isn’t always full of bright yellows and oranges, it’s not supposed to be. The darker shades brings out the lustre in them even more.

There will always be a glimmer in those who have been through the dark. ❤️

Pink

Pretty , delicate, soft, these are the words we associate with the colour, don’t we? Hard to disagree. It’s one of my favourite colours after all. Obviously it has to be , because I’m a girl. Most girls have to like it. No they have to, even if they don’t, again, because it’s meant for the female gender. Guys have to hate it. No they have to, even if they do love it, obviously it doesn’t have that masculine effect to it. So here comes the colours of gender stereotyping.
I recently attended a kid’s birthday party and obviously being the only young adult sitting amongst 5 yr olds, aunties and grandparents , I had no job other than observing them. The party host was distributing the party hats and this little guy , being smaller than the others, was jumping to get his. After fighting through the crowd of kids, he finally got his, a pink one. Too happy with his hat he came running to his mom showing off his achievement. Instead of being happy, she frowned and said ” Oh a pink hat? Boys don’t wear pink.Go tell him to give you a blue one.” The joy on his face vanished and even if he was happy with it, he went back to change it. This time , with less excitement.
A colour doesn’t become likeable by enforcing it on someone. Nothing does. A guy wearing pink doesn’t display women empowerment or that he’s not strong enough. A girl isn’t always a tomboy if she gets a short haircut. Well maybe she is, maybe she likes wearing pants and t-shirts or a men’s perfume. If a girl is into dresses and gowns , it’s not that she’s not good at sports. Maybe a guy doesn’t like dressing in those monotonous shades that men are ‘supposed’ to have. If a guy is good at sports , it’s not that he doesn’t love classical dance or ballet. The propensity to evaluate someone on the basis of sex, is still a major problem.

Why do we have to think who’s judging us all the time? In fact even if there is someone to judge us , I don’t get why we should even take their opinions.
God just gave us different bodies, but covering it, styling it is our choice. And I swear, as it’s always said nothing looks better than the confidence you wear.

We can paint the walls of our rooms in any shade we want, any way we want,  whether it’s white or hot pink. It depicts our individuality, our uniqueness. As much as we try looking good outside, me must feel good inside.
Having a different outlook towards life doesn’t make us unusual, it makes us rare .  So, be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons! 😉

Brown

Not much of an interesting colour, is it? Not even attractive enough to begin with ? Well, i’ll start with it anyways.

As a child, the brown crayon didn’t quite catch my attention the way shades of red, blue or green did. Only used it for filling colour in the soil or mountains. Neglected and sidelined it for quite awhile.
I remember in middle school, during the summer, joining a swimming class got me so tanned that people failed to even recognise me. Went back to school and was mocked at the new dark being that I had become (not that my natural complexion is very light but people found this change quite amusing). Many had a lot of tips in hand. Didn’t really care much ,but somewhere I felt demeaned, humiliated. Trying all types of remedies or creams suggested was a fail of course.

Now looking back and gaining a little bit of sense(probably), I think I was stupid. Stupid enough to use those products, heeding to those comments and being so conscious about this insignificant thing. It’s far good to go swim , run, play your heart out than to just sit back . Sitting back will only make the others suppress more.

My love for painting has made me realise that brown paint has much more use than I thought as a kid. I no longer use the stereotypical “skin colour” for colouring the body parts of my human figures. Flesh tint is not that single pastel shade that should be applied for the skin. Fair is not limited to being an adjective for lighter skin. Let’s be truly FAIR to ourselves.
Chocolates are brown, and no one resents them .Well, most of us don’t. Then why skin? Why create this estrangement amongst ourselves?

Love is that unseen shade of paint that can spread in every medium, through every being. Love yourself , encourage yourself and never doubt yourself . God has sprinkled not a pinch, but a handful of uniqueness in each one of us.

It’s not about the colour of the skin , it’s the size of the heart behind it. ❤

First blog post

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