White

It’s December, I’m sitting in my room with my hoodie, socks, and pajamas on. It’s not snowing here but, I somehow always relate the color white with December. What a year 2020 has been. I remember last time this time of the year I was my most relaxed self. I had completed my engineering, I had a good job, I had my best friends around me, I was making new friends at work and living on my own. I wished for the same old things and decided on the same old resolutions as every year, who knew I was in for a roller-coaster ride ahead. My difficulties were the same as most of the people out there, my dad stays quite far for his job. It was tough for my mom and me to handle things on our own. Amidst all of that, she got anxiety and sleep disorder. I kept consoling her by saying all this is temporary. Dad visited to be beside her, she consulted numerous doctors, took medicines and therapy, and it took months for her to be fine. I remember there was a time when we got into frequent fights, she was emotional, and I was tired and frustrated. I think I tried my best to understand her but never really knew what to do to help her get through it. Months later she got fine and was back to sleeping well. We were just starting to feel adjusted to this new quarantine life when suddenly I fell ill. What I thought was a mere stomach ache turned out to be quite serious. My body is a mess right now, and my prolactin levels are shooting too high. While I am supposed to be more calm and composed, I am now the most anxious person ever. I worry too much about my future, about my parents, about things that are not under my control, about anything and everything!! It is a trap, the more you want to stop worrying the deeper you fall into it. Now I know that until you get into a situation and suffer yourself, you will never understand what others feel when they are suffering. I’m blessed enough to have such supportive parents and best friends who keep up with me, motivate me, and pull me up when I feel so low. But sometimes I feel like I am so loved by these people and still feel lonely. There are times when I feel like other than the people who are close to me and who have existed in my life for a long time, I won’t be able to trust anyone. That makes me doubt my own nature and personality. All of this then leads me into feeling guilty, and then it’s a guilt-trap. But again, I am also proud of myself as I got through it and am keeping strong. “Today I will not stress over things that are not under my control” – that is my wallpaper right now, a much-needed reminder to myself every day. I have come to terms with my anxiety and I have learned to accept and live with it till the time it stays within me. I don’t know whether I will be able to ever get rid of it and there are millions of things in my messy mind. But, I will always try my best to clear this mess and keep it tidy like a blank whiteboard, and put down a to-do list on it every day, to solve immediate matters at hand first instead of overthinking the hell out of myself. Also, guess what I did, I actually got a whiteboard and multiple colored markers. Jotting down my day to day tasks, and ticking them off the list helps me be much calmer than before. I guess it is all about finding these little things to help sort our issues and helping ourselves out in times of distress. Who knew a simple whiteboard is all I needed to relieve my stress! 😉

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